Pins And Needles

29 01 2010

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By the time this post goes up, I will have done something I’ve spent weeks agonizing over, worrying about, and going over every possible detail. This “something” is applying to the university that I absolutely love. It has the program that I want, an award winning newspaper I can work on (and hopefully become the editor of) and amazing courses, seminars, and guest lectures I can participate in. It’s close enough to home to visit every weekend, but far enough away for me to be fully on my own. It’s a city more than 10 times bigger than the one I grew up in, and still currently live in, which obviously means substantially more opportunities for jobs, internships, etc.

I’ve wanted to go there for a long time. I feel like it’s the right place for me, and I’m so excited for the possibility of going there. If only all of the important people in my life would get behind me. My mom is, 100%. She’s incredibly supportive and just wants me to be happy. My dad on the other hand…. He has good intentions, but I feel like he’s never really heard me out. I brought up the subject with him back in December, and his opinion is that I should stay at the local college here to get my degree. His reasons are that I can live at home, and it’s cheaper. Those are obviously good reasons, but the school doesn’t have the program I want, and there’s no school newspaper, which is a pretty big downside, considering my aspirations. I want to be a writer, and experience is paramount. Without it, getting internships, and eventually a job, will be that much harder.

The discussion we were having quickly became an argument, in the middle of Arby’s no less (classy, I know), and we got nowhere. He all but said that I can’t count on his help, financial or otherwise, if I don’t stay here. In all honesty, I wasn’t counting on it at all, so it doesn’t bother me. It’s just frustrating that he can’t get behind me, but it makes me all the more thankful for my mom. If it weren’t for her, I would be doubting myself, maybe even to the point of giving up what I want.

This is the time for me to make my own decisions, and I know I would regret it if I let him convince me otherwise. So, I’ll be waiting on pins and needles until I hear about my admission. Now I just need to decide whether I tell my dad about it now, or wait until I (hopefully) get in, because I’d hate to argue over it, and then be rejected. Wish me luck!

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Now You Can Say You Learned 5 Things Today

28 01 2010

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If you’re going to read this blog (and you are, right? RIGHT??) then there are some things you should know about me. While they aren’t technically pertinent, they may give you some insight into the mind behind the veil of zeros and ones. Or not.

1. I have a very sarcastic, acerbic sense of humor. And it comes with no apologies, so I’m not recommended for the easily offended. And no, I did not intend for that to rhyme.

2. I’m an overachiever. I like to be the best at everything, and I hate it when I’m not. But I’m even worse when I am. I have yet to find the middle ground where I am happy, and satisfied with my accomplishments. It probably doesn’t exist.

3. I’m unbelievably messy. And I always have been. I hate it. I’m embarrassed about it, and I’m constantly working on changing it. I definitely believe that the chaos in my environment contributes to my stress and anxiety. I haven’t been able to get it under control yet, but I’m trying.

4. My past isn’t shiny. I didn’t kill anybody. I’ve never been in jail. But it’s not pretty. I finally have my life together and am doing good things, but I still have a lot of residual guilt and anger. Sometimes it chooses weird times to come out. You’ve been warned.

5. I can be kind of flaky. I’m easily distracted and often forgetful. So if I’m a no show for a few weeks, I’m probably not dead, just otherwise amused. But you should probably check the obits just to be safe.

I guess that’s it for now… I would say that I’ll add to this list in the future, but that’s unlikely.

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The Beginning

25 01 2010

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Starting is always the hardest. I feel like I have to set some specific tone, first impressions are everything, right? Am I supposed to take this opportunity to tell you who I am, what I’m about, and what the essence of this blog will be? That is made substantially more difficult upon the realization that I have no idea who I am, what I’m about, or what the essence of this blog will be.

I’m 20 years old, and I feel like I’m on the edge of something. And I’m pretty sure that something is my life. The life I’ve watched from afar for a very long time. The life I’ve imagined in a million different ways late at night when sleep won’t come. It’s become very clear that the time is now. Life will not wait for me any longer. I can either jump on or get left behind. This scares the living shit out of me. I’m terrified of the unknown. When things get scary I run and hide. If nothing else, this is my attempt to finally ditch that habit and start making memories instead of regrets.

I’ve always been a contradiction of sorts. Quiet, invisible and easily forgotten in a lot of situations. I’m sure 80% of the people I went to high school with would have no idea who I was upon hearing my name, seeing my picture, or coming face to face with me. But with my family, my friends, and in situations were intoxication occurs, I am funny, outgoing, and the center of attention.  I like this version of myself infinitely more than the other, and I want to be her all the time. But besides attempting a permanent state of inebriation, I have no idea how to achieve this.

I don’t know what I want this blog to be exactly. I guess it will be whatever I need it to. An outlet for frustration, a scrapbook for fond memories, a safe place to share my secrets, a map of my life from here to whenever. My hope is that I can look back on the things I’ve written here and be able to relive the time in my life where I really found myself, as cheesy as that is.

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