There Goes The Sunshine

25 05 2010

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I had a great weekend. There was a party at a friend’s house and the boy was there. Everyone kept calling us cute and one guy even said (multiple times) that we had a “warm glow”. It was nice. Mellow. I was happy.

Then Monday came. My mom told me that my dad had called the night before, and my grandma wasn’t doing very well. Less than an hour later he called and told us she had passed. It didn’t really hit me until today. I just want to call her and tell her I love her. I really, really miss her. She was really the only grandparent I had. My maternal grandfather passed away long before I was born, and my paternal one passed when I was 9. I didn’t really get to know him because he and my dad didn’t get along very well. My other grandmother is still alive and doing well, but she’s not exactly the warm, cuddly type. She has about 30 assorted grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and she’s never really shown a great interest in my sister or I.

This grandma was different. My sister and I were her only grandchildren, and she adored us. She called me pussycat and loved to tell me the story of how I sang “You Are My Sunshine” to her on the phone when I was 3.  She was the only one who called me Jenna. (It’s Jennifer, and everyone else calls me Jen)  She was the strongest, toughest woman I have ever known. There are so many things I want to tell her and now I can’t. I registered to take Russian next year in school, and that side of my family is Russian, and I was so excited to be able to finally speak it with her.

She wasn’t well the last couple of years, and I know she wasn’t happy. I like to believe she’s in a much better place, but I just wish I could talk to her again. She means so much to me.

My head is not in a good place right now. And when I get this way, I close myself off and push everyone away. I’m trying really hard to not do it this time… so I’m going to ask one of my friends to hang out tomorrow so I can talk to someone about this, and some other stuff. It sort of involves her, so I’m not entirely sure she would be the best person, but she’s nice, honest, and I trust her. I’ll update you on that later. One thing at a time.


I Can’t Think of A Title And I Have To Go Get Ready So This Is What You Get :)

20 05 2010

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So the run I was planning didn’t happen last night. I ended up going to dinner and a movie with the “boy”. The quotations will stay until it’s official. If it’s ever official. I feel like I’m jinxing it just by talking about it. LALALA Flowers!! Nothing to see here. No ones talking about a boy. Think that worked?

Anyways… we went to see The Bounty Hunter, with Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler. Besides both of them being ridiculously attractive (I’m sure they’d have adorable blue eyed babies), the movie wasn’t wonderful. It seemed to drag quite a bit. But my lack of enjoyment may have had to do with the loud group of people behind us kicking my chair and making comments every 3 seconds in a foreign language. I think it was Chinese. I mean… if you’re going to interrupt the movie, I should at least be able to understand you. Oh well.

To make up for my lack of exercise yesterday I spent the whole day today cleaning my house. Living room, kitchen, both bathrooms, stairs, upstairs hallway (which is like a hair magnet for some reason), etc. This wouldn’t be such a huge feat, except both the kitchen and living room/stairs/upstairs required me to get on my hands and knees. I washed the kitchen floor with a sponge… and our vacuum is screwed up and only the hose part works, so I had to get on all fours again. Hahaha….diiirty. Sorry. I’m in a weird mood today.

I also made soup. Onion, carrot, zucchini, shrimp and chow mein noodles with a spicy broth. No recipe either. That’s right, I’m pro. I managed to cook something without a recipe and I didn’t completely eff it up.

Alright… I need to go get ready. I’m off to hang out with my mama, watch a hockey game (Montreal and Philadelphia?? Can you tell I’m not a hockey fan?), drink (maybe), and eat yummy food (definitely).

Hope you’re all having a great Thursday!

Oh Lawdy

19 05 2010

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I really need to apologize for abandoning this little blog of mine. As I’ve outlined in previous posts… shit has gotten pretty real in the past couple of weeks. It’s amazing how fast life can change and one morning I wake up feeling like a different person. I go from this routine of eat, sleep, exercise and occasionally hang out with friends to a complete hermit after being betrayed by a close friend. I thought that I would retreat to my shell for weeks but instead I got closer to some friends and started having this thing called a life.  Unfortunately I haven’t found the balance between social life and healthy living. But I’m trying. And that counts for something.

If I believed in fate or any of that kind of stuff I would think that it brought me something good in exchange for the absolute crap that recently left.

Let me back up…. that friend who betrayed me. In my last post I didn’t explain exactly what went down, and I really want to get it off my chest once and for all. And then it can just be…gone. He spread rumors about me that I go to the bars every night and pick up random guys and sleep with them. He told people I used to be a nice person but I’ve turned into a huge whore. He said he doesn’t like hanging out with me because I always hit on him and it makes him really uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong… I’m not the Virgin Mary or anything, but I don’t sleep around. I can count the number of guys I’ve done ANYTHING with on one hand. And I don’t have some freakish hand with 20 fingers or something. As for him… if he thinks that I was flirting with him, he has a bigger ego than I ever thought. We were friends for six years and I thought of him as a brother.

I haven’t spoken to him since I confronted him about the rumors, and that’s completely fine with me. He’s toxic, and I feel a lot better without him around. I also wanted to say thank you for the lovely and supportive comments, I read them over and over again when I was feeling really down and they helped so much.

Back to the good out of bad thing….

Everything just seems so much shinier right now. I have these great friends who are wonderful and supportive and a ton of fun.

Also… there might be a boy. A very cute one. I’m reluctant to talk about this for a few reasons.

1. I hate that sappy, romance novel crap. When people get all gooey it grosses me out. I don’t want to be one of those people. If I ever get like that, smack me really hard in the face, okay?

2. I’ve jumped the gun in the past and then when things implode after a week or two I feel like a complete idiot.

3. I’m fiercely independent. And horrible at relationships. I don’t like being bad at things, let alone talking about the things I’m bad at.

Oh well… everything is fair game in blog-land.

He’s nice. And nice is a big deal. The last guy I seriously dated was the biggest jerk. He’s…simple. And I don’t want that to come out wrong. He’s mellow. Low key.

Last night we drove to the next town over and walked down the beach in the rain and talked.

Oh man… I think I’m in trouble.

As for the weight loss thing (ha! I should probably mention it since that’s the point of this blog), I’m kind of just maintaining. I ran 3 miles on Monday and I’m planning to go on a run tonight. My eating hasn’t been great, but it hasn’t been horrible. I really need to get back to tracking, but I’ve been lazy. My birthday is in a couple of weeks though so I really need to get my ass in gear.

I promise I’ll check in again soon, maybe tomorrow or Friday. Sorry again for neglecting my poor blog…

Fresh Start

10 05 2010

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Sorry for my absence lately. I’ve just had some stuff to sort through, mentally and physically.

I recently found out that one of my closest friends has been saying absolutely horrible things about me behind my back. And not just things that are subject to opinion, like I’m mean or stupid or rude. He made things up, told people I did things that never happened, painted a picture of me as a completely different person. Normally I wouldn’t just believe something like this without some sort of proof, but it made a lot of stuff make sense. In the last few months friends and acquaintances have asked me odd questions that completely baffled me, and I was never able to find out where the questions were coming from. Now it’s obvious. This is a person who I’ve never had a fight with, who I spent hours with listening to his problems after he ended a relationship, who I’ve always had a great friendship with, almost like brother and sister. Finding this out completely broke my heart. I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m really, really pissed off. But mostly I’m just ready to start over and let it all go.

I’ve been in such a rut recently and this just added to it. Instead of dwelling on it, and letting this be another reason for me to not take care of myself, I’m moving on.

As of tomorrow, I’m starting over. See you on the other side. 🙂

The Boys Are Too Refined

3 05 2010

Sad day. One of my best friends Cody moved away today. It was sudden, and while it’s a great opportunity for him and I’m really happy for that, I’m also really sad. I managed to hold it together most of the day, but once I was inside my house I couldn’t stop a few of the tears that had been welling up in the corners of my eyes all day.

To make it even worse, Cody’s best friend/my ex and close friend Zach (who I talked about before), decided that since Cody is leaving, it’s his time to get out of here too, and in a month he’s moving 6 hours away.

I hate change, and it caught me so off guard to suddenly not have my two best friends here. It doesn’t help that it’s that time of the month and I’m already emotional. Seriously sad day.

That is all.


29 04 2010

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Hey all…

Sorry for being so MIA lately, but I’ve been trying to get my sh*t together, and I’m happy to report that it’s now in a neat little pile.

I can pinpoint a lot of reasons for my recent need to escape reality, but I’m just going to let it all go and move on. Unfortunately that 8lbs stuck around a lot longer than I would like. I think it was probably only 2 or 3 real pounds and a lot of water retention to begin with, but my horrible eating and lack of exercise over the last week made the gain a little more permanent. 5lbs. Shiiiiit. It’s really not surprising, considering my exercise last week was…wait for it…. .40 miles. Make sure you notice the . before the 4. Not 40 miles…. 0.40 miles. Ridiculous. Pathetic.

This week, including Sunday, I’ve run 17 miles so far, so I think it’s safe to say I’m back on track.

Sometimes though… I think I’m five years old. I had to bribe myself to run yesterday, with a cookie. Okay, it may have been two cookies, but they were small. Since I did six miles, I think it was okay.

I had three miles scheduled for today, but have only done 1 so far. I’m alright with it, considering my mileage for week, and the reason I stopped at one mile. It’s not because I didn’t feel like it, or there was something else I wanted to do. My legs were ridiculously tight and I started cramping almost immediately. I’ve gotten really good at making my cramps go away, by focusing on my breathing and pinching the area that hurts (it sounds weird but I swear it works), but nothing would make this cramp go away. I also kept burping…. and it tasted like Root Beer. I know I probably shouldn’t share things like that, but it was weird. Especially since I can’t remember the last time I drank Root Beer.

Anyways… I’m going to stretch and ice my legs for awhile and see if I’m up to the other 2 miles later tonight. Hope everyone is having a great week!

Thanks For The Laugh

25 04 2010

I need to preface this post with a simple statement. Boys are weird. I grew up with the idea of men as distant, emotionally stunted (by design or by choice, I wasn’t sure), strong and solid. This, I’m sure, has everything to do with my father, who I’ve only seen cry once, and who I wouldn’t be surprised to see stand still in a hurricane as the world goes flying by him. Anyways, to my surprise, and alternately my excitement and disappointment, men are not like this. They are as emotional and unstable as the rest of us, even more so, in a lot of cases. Where am I going with this? Let me explain…

There’s this guy, let’s call him…screw it, his name is Zach. (What are the chances he’ll read this anyways?) We very briefly dated two years ago. And when I say brief, I mean it in the blink and you’ll miss it kind of way. I can summarize our relationship in a sentence. Dinner, movie, fight, makeup, fight, fight, fight, car door slam, obscenities, end scene. It was bad. And it caused a lot of problems because we had the same friends. It’s taken a long time, but we’ve become friends again. It was going smoothly, until a few days ago. I’ve been hanging out with him and another friend of ours a lot, and as far as I know, I’ve been treating them both the same way. As in, I haven’t been buddies with one, and batting my eyelashes at the other. So I’m not sure why this is happening…

Anyways… a couple of days ago I was spending the night at their house on the couch, and he texted me asking if I wanted to come sleep in his bed. First of all… you really couldn’t walk up the stairs to ask me? Laaaame. Not like I would have said yes anyways. I said no, in the nicest way possible, blaming it on the alcohol, and went to sleep. He tried to get me to stay there again last night, and I said no and came home instead.

On to the funny stuff… Tonight we were texting back and forth, and he started asking me weird questions, like who I was texting yesterday and who I’ve been talking to, and refused to explain why he was asking. He’s kind of strange, so I let it go. A few minutes ago we were talking about this show we both watch and he asked what season I was up to. I answered him and asked him the same question. This is the reply I got.

“Starting the second. So what’s your story? Many boyfriends?”

I couldn’t help myself, I burst out laughing. And my response was “Whaaat?”

I finally answered him, and asked why he wanted to know. “Just wondering.” Suuuure.

I have a feeling this is going to get very awkward. I need to figure out a way to tell him I only want to be friends without either hurting his feelings or bruising his ego, because I’m pretty sure if either of those happen, he’ll go back into jerk mode and I won’t be able to hang out with him or two of my other friends who are his roommates. And it’s really easy to hurt his feelings. He’s ridiculously sensitive.

Heeeeeeelp me. What do I do? Just ignore the weirdness? Pretend I don’t notice? That’s my only game plan right now.