I had a great weekend. There was a party at a friend’s house and the boy was there. Everyone kept calling us cute and one guy even said (multiple times) that we had a “warm glow”. It was nice. Mellow. I was happy.
Then Monday came. My mom told me that my dad had called the night before, and my grandma wasn’t doing very well. Less than an hour later he called and told us she had passed. It didn’t really hit me until today. I just want to call her and tell her I love her. I really, really miss her. She was really the only grandparent I had. My maternal grandfather passed away long before I was born, and my paternal one passed when I was 9. I didn’t really get to know him because he and my dad didn’t get along very well. My other grandmother is still alive and doing well, but she’s not exactly the warm, cuddly type. She has about 30 assorted grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and she’s never really shown a great interest in my sister or I.
This grandma was different. My sister and I were her only grandchildren, and she adored us. She called me pussycat and loved to tell me the story of how I sang “You Are My Sunshine” to her on the phone when I was 3. She was the only one who called me Jenna. (It’s Jennifer, and everyone else calls me Jen) She was the strongest, toughest woman I have ever known. There are so many things I want to tell her and now I can’t. I registered to take Russian next year in school, and that side of my family is Russian, and I was so excited to be able to finally speak it with her.
She wasn’t well the last couple of years, and I know she wasn’t happy. I like to believe she’s in a much better place, but I just wish I could talk to her again. She means so much to me.
My head is not in a good place right now. And when I get this way, I close myself off and push everyone away. I’m trying really hard to not do it this time… so I’m going to ask one of my friends to hang out tomorrow so I can talk to someone about this, and some other stuff. It sort of involves her, so I’m not entirely sure she would be the best person, but she’s nice, honest, and I trust her. I’ll update you on that later. One thing at a time.